Felix Leiter - CIA Agent, Private Eye, and Victim of Commercialized Fan Fiction

For the fullest enjoyment of this blog post, make sure you read this previous post, in which I go into more detail about this book's existence and review the first one.

Also, I would like to dedicate this post to the memory of David Hedison, who passed away shortly before I began work on it. Hedison portrayed Felix Leiter in Live and Let Die and Licence to Kill, making him the first of two actors to play Felix more than once in film.

Now, let's get onto this thing; my apologies that it has taken so long.

As I noted in an update to my previous post, after presumably getting a cease and desist letter from Ian Fleming Publications, Edward F. Koehler PhD's Felix Leiter books are no longer for sale beyond third-party sellers on Amazon, who are selling them - as of this writing - for no less than $123. Far overpriced, if you ask me, but I suppose they're a rarity now, as I highly doubt many were printed, much less actually sold. However, for a brief period, the second book, Felix Leiter CIA, had not gone up in price. So I nabbed a copy for $4.50.

Within a few days, I learned that I definitely bought it at just the right time, because now there were no copies being sold for under $123. So I could probably make money off of this thing, if there's anyone who will actually buy it from me.

As with the previous post, in no way do I intend to insult Dr. Koehler or discourage him from writing. In the back of this book, he teases a third in the series, Felix Leiter FBI, which I assume is canceled due to the fates of the first two books. If he really does enjoy writing, I hope he continues doing so, but with his own original characters. Honestly, he could probably change the names of the James Bond properties in these books and republish them. That's how little they actually resemble Bond books.

Other than that, I have nothing to add about him, other than he rated Felix Leiter USMC on Goodreads recently:

Now, onto the review. As with the last one, I will be summarizing each chapter to give some context for my commentary that will follow. Like last time, I'll begin with the blurb:

Hmm... not free of typos, but I didn't expect it to be. The part that stands out to me is "Secretary of State Harriet Clifton." Hmmmmm... it's probably nothing. But what's concerning is "the chance for some female companionship" because, if you recall, the previous book had a sudden, grotesque sex scene that gives me nightmares to this day. We'll just have to cross that bridge when we get there.

Impressions Whilst Reading

Prologue, The Ukraine: The Offices of Universal Exports

Summary:

While in Sevastopol, Eve Moneypenny learns that the Russians are up to no good and that she and James Bond should leave the country for their safety. They start destroying papers and computer files, but then a bunch of Russians show up to take Bond and Moneypenny prisoner. Mr. Smith, Regional Vice President of Tiger Air Express watches the event unfold from across the street.

Commentary:

Maybe this has something to do with the unexplained Russian presence in the previous book? I don't really have much to say quite yet, other than something I failed to mention last time. When I read Fleming, it's pretty easy for my to visualize Timothy Dalton playing Bond in my head. When I read these books, I envision somebody more akin to Sterling Archer.

Chapter 1: Offices at Langley

Summary:

The CIA learn that the Russians are up to no good and that Universal Exports may be a front for the MI6 (a shocker!). The Russian mob has supposedly hacked the emails of Harriet Clifton, the Secretary of State. The emails show evidence that the Russians are paying off the Clifton family through the Clifton Global Initiative Foundation charity, which the Cliftons also apparently use for their own personal gain. Charlie (some young ginger with the CIA) surmises that in return for this money, Clifton and her higher-ups (possibly including the President) are turning a blind eye to Russia's shenanigans to restore the Soviet Union. After declining to put Felix on the case, Catherine Ang assigns Charlie to "find more dots" to connect to this conspiracy and to find a Russian computer hacker who had recently been arrested.

Commentary:

I see you're getting a bit political here, Dr. Koehler. If the President gets mentioned by name in this book (Note: I apparently forgot he was named in the blurb. Just pretend he wasn't), I imagine it'll be something like Brock Omaha. I don't know why, just a feeling. In the previous book, there were a couple of references to the "pointy end of the spear" and now Felix is referred to in this chapter as the "sharp end of the spear." Is this an ominous nickname that just isn't catching on?

Chapter 2: Cancun, Mexico

Summary:

Felix arrives in Cancun for vacation, with Sue Grafton's L is for Lawless as reading material. He thinks it's a good book, but predictable. Felix goes to the Willard Whyte Hotel (remember, in the last book, he earned a 30-day free stay for saving J. Willard Whyte's life). The hotel employees are ordered to give him only the best service and accommodations.

Felix enjoys the resort, spending his time running and chatting it up with a yoga student named Maggie, almost the same name as Margie, the previous book's notch in Felix's bedpost. Maggie invites him to a barbecue at Club Med, but he can't go because he'll be on a tour. As Felix leaves, Maggie comments to her sweating friend that Felix is "an absolute hunk." Felix goes back to the hotel, rests up, then leaves for his scheduled tour.

Commentary:

My favorite thing is Felix criticizing L is for Lawless. Just wait until he reads Felix Leiter, USMC.

I wonder if there's some point to naming this book's love interest (I'm assuming) something so similar the previous one's. I expected Felix to be reminded of the previous girl and realize he stood her up all that time ago. But there was nothing of that sort. I'll probably come back to this.

Chapter 3: Chichen Itza

Summary:

While on his tour of Chichen Itza, Felix runs into the CIA's Catherine Ang, who informs him of a conspiracy between the President and the Russians, which was all learned from personal emails by Harriet Clifton, whose husband is an ex-senator, guilty of infidelity. The ex-senator is also suspected of having his lawyer, Victor Forrest, murdered. Felix is given the assignment to retrieve Universal Exports operatives Bond and Moneypenny (who cracked this case) who personally requested him to rescue them.

Commentary:

We learn that the President's last name is O'Brien. I'm still betting his first name is Brock. Just a feeling. I totally don't see any thinly-veiled references to real-life politics and conspiracy theories, though.

When Catherine tells Felix that the Universal Exports personnel are Bond and Moneypenny, she refers to Bond as "Bond, James Bond." This line really doesn't work outside of one of two contexts: One, Bond introducing himself, or two, someone quoting the famous line. But at least she just plainly refers to Moneypenny as "Eve Moneypenny" with no "Moneypenny, Eve Moneypenny" nonsense.

Chapter 4: Club Med Sunset Barbecue

Summary:

Felix goes to the barbecue and finds Maggie, learning she is a psychologist. The two make plans to spend the next day together and kiss, which sets off a proverbial electric current between them.

Commentary:

I have a very bad feeling about the next chapter.

Chapter 5: A Deserted Beach, Day Four

Summary:

Felix and Maggie go for a walk on the beach. Then, on that same beach, they prompt a sex scene even longer and more uncomfortable to read than the one in the previous book. It is almost immediately followed by yet another such scene.

They spend the rest of their time snorkeling, talking about their careers, and "frolicking" in the water.

They drive back to the hotel and just when we think they're about to part ways... you guessed it.

Commentary:

Please excuse me while I bleach my eyeballs.

Chapter 6: Metropolitan Correctional Center, New York City

Summary:

Charlie visits the imprisoned Russian computer hacker, Alexei Peskov. Peskov claims that some other guy who is involved with the black market hacked ~~Hillary Clinton~~ Harriet Clifton's computer. Peskov says it was partially an inside job and Charlie uses a laser pointer to obstruct a camera's view of the room so Peskov can contact the hired hacker and ask him to identify the inside man. The hacker quickly replies, identifying the inside man as Krishna Mohan, president of a Pakistani IT company that works for several members of Congress.

Commentary:

Honestly, the book is becoming a chore at this point. The previous chapter made me put it down for a while. While it's not being gross, it's a rather boring book. To be fair, I've never really figured that I'd like political thrillers anyway.

Chapter 7: Miami, Florida

Summary:

Charlie goes to Miami for his mission. The book tells us he is the whitest person there. He takes photos of Krishna Mohan and researches him for two hours in a Walmart parking lot. He later tails Mohan to a gay bar, where Mohan hits on Charlie, who does the "best gay imitation he can muster." Charlie laments to himself, "That's all I need, to go undercover with a homosexual Pakistani Muslim who drinks."

Commentary:

I'm actually not certain what direction Koehler will be taking the "homosexual Pakistani Muslim" subplot. We shall see.

Chapter 8: The Casino, Day Seven

Summary:

Felix goes to the hotel casino and plays poker. Eventually, Catherine shows up to tell him that everything is ready to go for his mission. Felix then goes to the hotel lobby and buys drinks for Maggie and her friends. Her friends remark that they want Felix when Maggie is done with him, but she retorts, "when I'm finished with him, hopefully there won't be anything left."

Felix and Maggie do some salsa dancing... then they go back to Felix's room for some hanky panky. They go to sleep, but then in the morning... do I even need to say it?

Commentary:

In the Bond novels, I always found myself interested in the card games despite having very little knowledge of cards. Ian Fleming just had a way of writing them that appealed to even me. Koehler does not share this talent, unfortunately.

As for the rest of the chapter... it would probably be foolish of me to hope that's the last of it.

Chapter 9: San Juan, Puerto Pico

Summary:

Felix boards a flight that is piloted by Catherine (at which point, the book reminds us who she is, despite appearing a chapter ago). Felix arrives in San Juan and stays at another Whyte Hotel (cashing in on some more of that 30-day life debt) where he has a reservation made for him already.

After a run, Felix has dinner with Catherine and our old buddy J. Willard Whyte. They discuss Felix's mission to find Bond and Moneypenny, then give him a phone that doubles as a taser.

Commentary:

It appears the book's plot is finally moving along. But I expect we'll be sidetracked again by Felix's sex life.

Chapter 10: The Flight to Kiev, Ukraine

Summary:

In Sevastopol, Captain Rostov gets angry and demands that Bond and Moneypenny are found.

Meanwhile, Felix, Catherine, and Whyte fly to Kiev, as the chapter's title suggests. During the flight, the plane is shot, so Felix prepares to parachute out, but falls out of the plane before he can get to the injured Whyte. As he falls, Catherine manages to land the plane and find a Ukranian man, Victor, who says he'll see to it that Whyte is helped.

Commentary:

Hey, hey! Things are continuing to happen! Very cliched things, yes, but things nonetheless.

Chapter 11: The Ukraine

Summary:

Felix parachutes to safety and hitches a ride to Sevastopol, getting through a military checkpoint by pretending to sleep while the driver gave him a cover story. He finds the phonebooth from which Moneypenny had made a distress call.

Felix stops for lunch and speaks to a prostitute, Rhonda Johnson (a very Ukrainian name, yes?), AKA "Sunshine Aspartame," who has been hiding Bond and Moneypenny for several days. Sunshine takes him to Bond and Moneypenny. Moneypenny has apparently been storing her mission data within thumb drives concealed within her shoe heels. The group plan their escape from Sevastopol.

Commentary:

I laughed at "Sunshine Aspartame" more than I should have.

Chapter 12: The Black Sea Harbor

Summary:

The gang leave Sunshine's apartment and are pursued by policemen, who catch them. One officer pats down Felix and attempts the redial function, but is tased instead. This allows Felix and Bond to take out the other cops. Another officer shows up and calls for backup before being taken out by Moneypenny. They take his car and get outta Dodge.

Captain Rostov learns that Bond and Moneypenny have been spotted and he demands that they are caught.

Commentary:

Not a scratch on our heroes, just like most of the previous book. I'm sensing a trend.

I find these Captain Rostov scenes amusing. One, who is he? And two, this scene isn't much different from the previous one.

Chapter 13: On the Run

Summary:

The gang are pursued by soldiers and they exchange gunfire. Felix boards a nearby flatbed truck to get a better shot at their pursuer. As expected, he manages to take them out with ease. He gets back into the police car and they continue their trip.

Meanwhile, Captain Rostov asks Officer Checkoff (no, I didn't misspell Chekov) about his encounter with Felix, Bond, and Moneypenny. Rostov then changes the command from "capture the spies" to "kill the spies."

Felix makes contact with Catherine, who is holed up with Whyte in an animal hospital in Fruktove. Conveniently, a map is in the car's glovebox and they set course for Fruktove.

They arrive and learn that Whyte is friends with Israel's prime minister, Benjamin Niedermayer, and has requested medical evacuation from the Israelis. Whyte will pretend to be a sick man, Felix and Bond will be orderlies, and Moneypenny will be a nurse.

Rostov arrives at the checkpoint where Felix fended off the pursuing military guys. He learns that the police car our heroes drove was found abandoned in Fruktove, so Rostov takes off for the town.

Commentary:

Koehler didn't even attempt to change the first name of Israel's prime minister. It is nice, though, that we've finally gotten to the point where the book isn't completely dragging. It's not exciting, nor do I expect it to be. But hey, it could be worse.

Chapter 14: Sinferopol International Airport

Summary:

The gang reach the Israeli plane and board it as Rostov and his men catch up to them. Gunfire is exchanged and the plane lifts off, though there is an air leak somewhere, disallowing the cabin pressure to stabilize. They find the holes and Bond conveniently finds a menorah with brand new candles in it! They use the candles to plug up the holes, fixing the problem. Another problem arises: they are being targeted. So, Felix activates counter-measures, saving them.

Meanwhile, at GRU headquarters, the Russians catch onto the inside hacking job and introduce their plan to get a Vermont Senator (an undercover sleeper agent) into office as the US President if they fail to get Clifton in the seat. Koehler then turns the rest of the chapter into a soapbox against Clifton and her husband, who is also apparently a pedophile. He also advocates for Governor Romney here, not bothering to change his name.

Commentary:

The menorah bit is one of the funniest things I've ever read.

And I'm beginning to wonder what Koehler thinks of the Democratic Party...

Chapter 15: Ben Gurion Airport, Tel Aviv, Israel

Summary:

The gang land in Israel and meet the prime minister. Moneypenny gives the data to the Americans, who figure out that Bond is actually an MI6 agent. Before parting ways, they propose that they work together in the future.

The prime minister reveals that last year, President O'Brien attempted to overthrow Israel, so they inserted a spy into the DNC. He surmises that O'Brien suspects this, and that was the reason he refused to speak to Niedermayer when he last visited Washington.

Commentary:

I really think he hates Democrats, guys.

Chapter 16: Reagan Airport, Washington, DC

Summary:

Catherine goes to Charlie, asking him to decrypt the data. Charlie tells Catherine about Krishna Mohan and Catherine tells him about O'Brien's attempt to overthrow Israel.

The Cliftons worry now that the whole email and bribery scandal has been exposed. They arrange to meet with their daughter's in-laws, one of them being in Congress. Jefferson, smoking a cigar, thinks, "maybe this will go away just like cigar smoke disappears, leaving only the stale smell of something."

Commentary:

I'm not even sure what to say for this chapter. Just more politics.

Chapter 17: J. Willard Whyte Hotel, Washington, DC

Summary:

Felix runs into Margie (the girl he slept with in the previous book). They exchange numbers so they can catch up later.

Felix then has lunch with Catherine and Seth Richards, Israel's plant in the DNC. Richards tells them about the server hacking and his whistleblowing on the Israel-overthrow plot. He goes on to say that he believes he is being surveilled and arranges to meet them later to share his data.

Commentary:

Not really anything to say for this chapter either, other than I hope this Margie encounter doesn't lead to... you know what.

Chapter 18: The Offices of the Clifton Global Initiative Foundation

Summary:

The Cliftons and Senator Donna Watson argue about the scandal and Harriet reveals that Richards is indeed being watched. Jefferson has spoken to the attorney general, ensuring that the FBI agents to be assigned to the case will only stall it.

Commentary:

Koehler says that Harriet wears an orange pantsuit, the same color as a prison jumpsuit. This would be somewhat clever symbolism if he hadn't explained it in the same sentence.

Chapter 19: The Senate Oyster Bar & Grille, Washington, DC

Summary:

Felix and Charlie prepare to meet Richards at a restaurant, but he is shot dead and his laptop is taken by men in dark suits. Felix and Charlie chase the black SUV driven by the men, stopping at the Jefferson Memorial, but they get away.

Commentary:

Nearly every time Charlie shows up, he says that he's an analyst, not a field agent. Why not just call the character Jack Ryan since we're so cavalier about using names of other fictional characters?

Chapter 20: CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia

Summary:

Charlie tells Catherine about what happened, recapping the previous chapter for us. They are summoned to the seventh floor, where they are pressed about the matter. Charlie is dismissed and the CIA director demands to know of the secret operation atherine has spearheaded, leading to some more recapping. The director commands her to catch Krishna Mohan and get hard evidence against the conspiracy. She goes to Charlie and prepares for him and Felix to go undercover in the FBI.

Commentary:

I see Koehler is setting up the next book. Let's go ahead and add this to the list of cliffhangers that will never be resolved.

Epilogue: Margie Jordan's Townhouse, Virginia

Summary:

Felix and Margie have dinner and Felix leaves. Surprisingly, they don't sleep together. Margie's sister, Laurie comes with Margie's daughter Felicia. Laurie correctly guesses that Felix is Felicia's father.

Commentary:

Another cliffhanger. Felix Leiter will not return.

Closing Remarks

First off, I'm going to briefly touch on the sex scenes. If you want to write disgusting, overly-detailed erotica, write just that. That kind of book has an audience. Don't put it in the middle of what's ostensibly a spy thriller. Nobody reads this kind of book for smut.

Second, the book is just plain boring and too long. Both of these are factors in why it took me so long to write this blog post. The previous book was short and things actually happened at least every other chapter. This one just drags several chapters in a row. And Koehler's not-so-subtle political views in this one didn't help the bore factor.

Lastly, pretty much every criticism I had for the previous book carries over for this one. There was no improvement.

This will be my last post on this subject in the foreseeable future. If Felix Leiter, FBI manages to come out, I will definitely be on that, but I highly doubt it will ever come out. Because legal reasons.

So, my life moves on. I don't have to read these books ever again.

Hallelujah.

UPDATE (December 15, 2019): Copies of the books have gone back down in price and if the display image is any indication, Felix Leiter, USMC may have been retitled Richard Diamond, USMC. There happens to be a radio and television series from the '40s-'60s called Richard Diamond, Private Detective. For Koehler's sake, I hope this is coincidental... if not, he didn't learn his lesson. As of right now, the listing for Felix Leiter, CIA still displays a cover with the Felix Leiter name, so I'm not sure if it's been retitled.

UPDATE (December 11, 2021): I have learned that Koehler did indeed retitle the series with the Richard Diamond name and has continued with Richard Diamond, FBI and the upcoming Richard Diamond RIP. Since these no longer have anything to do with James Bond (and I hope they're not infringing upon another copyrighted work...), I have no interest in reading them. On that note, I'm not entirely sure of the extent Koehler went through to rid the books of Bond references except for in CIA. In the free PDF preview of the Richard Diamond version available here, you can see that Koehler apparently removed the prologue (as it featured only Bond and Moneypenny), but forgot to delete it from the table of contents. Because I bought both books when they were Felix Leiter, I have no access beyond previews to the Diamond books as I'm not interested in buying them. Regardless of the trashing I gave his first two books, I wish Dr. Koehler luck in future writings.